These are a few of the standard, very basic expectations I have for parents for whom I am providing parenting coordination services.
Emails
Emails polite, business-like, issue-focused. No personal commentary, sniping, or irrelevant references to the past. You should not feel embarrassed if your boss or your mother were to read your emails. Remember, they are a written record of your behavior that can be used against you, or for you! Respond within 24 hours, if only to acknowledge receipt. If you are having difficulty using email in an appropriate, effective manner, I may require you to copy me on all emails to each other so that I can monitor and instruct. In extreme cases, I will require you to email me only so that I can review and edit as needed before forwarding to the other parent.
You may email me to schedule appointments and to alert me to issues. I will not dialog back and forth with you over email to discuss issues. You need to schedule phone or in-person appointments to discuss issues.
Bill Eddy has some useful tips that I would like you to check out. The only place where I disagree is that I require you to respond to every email, if only to acknowledge receipt. One trick is to respond to the email the way it should have been written (politely, unemotionally), rather than how it was actually written. Remember BIFF: brief, informative, friendly, firm.
Texts
Texts to be used for urgent or emergency information, material that has to be known within 24 hours, such as the child is sick and is not in the usual place.
On-line calendars
On-line calendars use one to post all of the child’s activities. I recommend google or Our Family Wizard. There is a fee for OFW, but it is far less than parents have typically spent litigating. You must have a common calendar. Please choose one or I will choose one for you.
School Communication
School communication in an ideal world, teachers and schools would send home every piece of paper to both homes, as well as every email. We do not live in an ideal world. You have two options: scan in every piece of communication you receive from school and email it to the other house OR leave every piece of paper (including the child’s work) in a folder in your child’s backpack and put your initials on it. Then it will travel to the other house where the other parent can see it, with your initials indicating that you have seen it. At this point, the second parent can remove it from the folder.
It is EACH parent’s responsibility to communicate with the school office and all teachers to provide contact information. It is NOT your co-parent’s responsibility to provide your contact information for you.
The same rules apply to other organizations to which the child may belong, such as soccer team or Scouts.
Out of town travel
Out of town travel each parent is entitled to know the child’s whereabouts. If you are going to be away from home with your child, then you need to provide your co-parent with an address, dates, and land-line, if one is available. This needs to be done in advance. If you are planning to travel yourself, without your child, it is polite to let the other parent know that you will be out of town in case of emergency, and provide contact information if you do not anticipate cell coverage.
Names
Refer to your co-parent by his/her first name. Names humanize (or demonize) us. To your child, refer to “mom” or “your dad” or whatever nickname your child uses in your family. Help your child identify appropriate names for step-parents that are respectful, comfortable for all, and not threatening to the biological parents.
Doctor Appointments
Note all appointments (medical, dental, mental health, etc) on your on-line family calendar when you make them. Do not make appointments on the other parent’s custodial time. After appointments, provide the other parent with a brief summary via email.